A Eulogy for My Absent Father

The other day while I was resting from the weight of work and life , I was transported to a somber scene via my dreams. I was in the congregation of mourners of a man whom I ironically did not know . One of the man’s children was heading to the podium to give a heart wrenching eulogy for the deceased . Here are the words ,

Beloved ,

I am unworthy to offer this last rite and tribute over the remains that lay before us . In trying to form and craft my eulogy I was interrupted by the cordons of bitterness , malice and honesty . What words can I offer up for a man who abandoned me at the most vulnerable time of my life ? What shall I render to express my complex emotions and concealed anger ? I believe that there is a ray of hope that extends beyond the fragments of my cloudy opinions of my absent father .

The ray of hope is that he through his absence ironically taught me to be present . In a way, his role in my life was that of the mail man who never showed up with your package . While you are upset that what you waited on never arrived you also realize that your ability to show up in the face of absence is a gift . My absent father missed all of the important events in my life and all of the events caused by my wrongdoing . In a way he provided me with a vicarious grace and space to grow and develop without judgment .

There is an ancient proverb that says that history is often told by the victor and not the victim . I understand the words of the proverb but find that there is a much needed asterisk that must accompany this thought . The asterisk should read , there are times where you can be both the victor and victim . I am the embodiment of that asterisk . My absent father catapulted me into the dual role of victor and victim . Victor in that I have overcome the statistical expectations of an abandoned child but a victim because my overcoming was forged by broken tools and unhealthy mindsets .

Do you all see the irony of this moment ? This hallowed citadel of faith and love where we now gather is filled with people , neighbors and families who have all come to pay their collective respect to a man who lived in absentia and is now being lauded in absentia . Maybe his absence was his greatest gift . While we knew who he was , we never really beheld his presence .

Now as I conclude this solemn psalm of remembrance let me address my absent father directly .

Absent father ,

May you in your death be greeted with the eternal presence of love and peace that I never experienced from you . May you and your creator share memories of the times where life became hard but you found a fortress in the Creator’s warm embrace . Know, that I will be alright because I have chosen to fill the holes of your absence with the intentional sweetness of being present .